Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize
