i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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