He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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