So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
only if we run a train.
done.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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