I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My penis needs a shock collar
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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