i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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