Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
