my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
