HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
