you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
