I love black thongs
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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