You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
