I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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