i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
