There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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