so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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