This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
