I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
