apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
