Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
