Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
