Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
