Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
