I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
