he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
