I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
