I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
