Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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