I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You can't just leave with hair like that
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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