The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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