I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
