Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
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I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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