She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
