Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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