I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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