I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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