All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
