I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
