Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
