stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize