omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
