I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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