They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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