My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
