bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
