Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
