Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
