We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
