I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
