Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
