I wish my penis had an off switch
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
