I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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