Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
