WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
