Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
