Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
