Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
