you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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