Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
