this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
